a letter to my dad part 1

in case i ever feel down (umm like now), this post is a reminder for myself how i wished to see what i see now.

from me, to me.

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a letter to my dad (part 1. i'm pretty sure i will have more parts in the future).

Dear daddy, my papi...

i am writing this post with only my right hand because my left hand is holding your right hand. you have been staying up all night for almost 4 days and you only sleep during the day, so today i plan to watch you for about 1-2 hours and keep you company so you can sleep during the night. i wish i could stay all night but i have a meeting to attend tomorrow morning haha.

daddy, do you remember long long time ago when i was little girl you used to read me bed time stories when mommy couldn't read me. i also asked you (or annoyed you tbh) to rub my back and that was before my little sister happened (lol).

many things that are surely easier when i was a kid because all of my problems were solved by you and mom. and lately, very rarely, i wish i was still a little girl who doesn't have to face the problems i'm not confident i can handle. or my actual wish is just.... that you are back like what you were. because even when i am no longer a little girl, you still can solve my problems that i'm too afraid to handle. i guess it's not about me, it's about you.

so like last week i accidentally hear your voice recording in your phone when it was playing your playlist.. that voice that i have missed, your voice, papi. and when i saw you laying there, it felt like two different persons. and again, that moment i still couldn't believe thing has happened this way.

such a weak girl.

everyone in this house misses you. i have missed you since the first day you were still conscious in the hospital. when i and mom were sleeping in the waiting room with other patient's families, a man was snoring and i swear i closed my eyes and did pretend that it was you snoring because the voice was similar.

before you were admitted to the hospital, i admit i couldn't sleep when you snored. but now i really miss it. haha.

on 27 August 2016, your 5th day being coma, you started to be able to open your left eye very little. but i was happy, thinking you would wake up soon. but days after that were not easy because i had to hear the doctor's explanation about your roller coaster health journey.

i wish i knew what you are thinking and feeling right now. do you remember me? mom? your other children?

but papi, there were series of things i wished for, that start to happen now. i am writing this because even when i cheer myself everyday, i still feel the unwanted gloomy feeling.

1. i wished you could open your eyes. when the nurse in ICU performed suction, you opened your eyes and i was so happy because i got to see your eyes again, but turned out, the nurse said it was just involuntarily action as a result of pain stimuli. NOW you can open your eyes normally. you even can sleep and wake up everyday.

2. i wished you could move your hands to show you're responding. NOW you can move your hands everyday, everytime you are coughing and everytime you want, right?

3. i wished i could hear your voice again. NOW, even you still couldn't talk, but several days ago when you are coughing hard, i could hear "your familiar voice when coughing" like when before you were still healthy. i immediately realize "ah he us still here so thank God."

4. i wish you could respond to anything, voluntarily. NOW, even if it doesn't always happen in every attempt, you could respond to voices. when i call you, your eyes start to search the voice. your head can move.

the thing is, what i asked from God start to happen. not all at once but you are progressing.

so that's why i believe oneday (hopefully in one month), all the things that i am still wishing now will happen too.

let's face this together papi. we can we can i know we can. and thank you for always coming to my dream since the first day you were coma.

PS: your skin face is very smooth, young and soft. i think it's because you breathe in pure oxygen, no? ;)

PSS: even until i finish this post, you still haven't slept soundlessly. you keep waking up every 10 minutes.


hug and kiss,
your forever grateful daughter,
kalput (the nickname you made and only you used it)