a letter to my dad part 2: Papi, siapa yang akan menyayangiku tanpa syarat sepertimu?

Papi, who will love me unconditionally like you do?

Aku kangen sekali, kangeeeeen sekali.

Everyday I have to face the world. There are times when I feel down, or confused but I can't seek your help. Every time we have family problem since you are sick, I can't run to you. I must solve it on my own.

Papi, please talk to me.

Please talk, please see me. Look at me.

Since you are sick, I feel like I have to face my problems alone, I must solve our family problems while usually those problems were your responsibility.

Papi, I don't know if you like me asking this. But I am questioning why God gave us this problem? Why God let you this sick? Why God made you coma? Or made you unresponsive to your surrounding? Isn't you a nice person? Why God punish you with this sickness? Aren't us a nice family? Why God punish our family this way?

Papi, I laugh everyday when I am not at home. But there is always one empty space in my heart that is missing you. Sometimes, no, in most times when I am doing everything we used to share, I imagine we do it together. Like when I ate udon alone in the mall, I imagined you were eating in front of me, I imagined your face while eating. It felt.... nice and hurting at the same time.

Papi, I want you to be back to us. But I don't want to see you suffer long. You see this battle inside of my heart?

To see you are here but 'not here', you know? Do you also feel it? Do you feel us when we are standing around you?

Right now, you are hospitalized again. your blood pressure is very low, you must be supported by medicine and that's why you are in high care unit again. After you were discharged the first time and back at home again with us, and now you are in the hospital again, I don't know what to feel. Papi, I am asking again why God gives us this situation? Can we handle this, papi? Please tell me can we handle this?

You are always the strongest among us at home, but now I have to be the strongest at home. I am afraid I can meet your standard of being strong.

Every time I tell myself that everything happens for a reason. There is always lesson learned behind every situation. But this, UNTIL WHEN SHOULD WE LEARN, papi?

I admit, I was busy with my own circles when you were still healthy, and that's why I missed many times together with you. But right now, I already make myself mostly available for our family. But you can't feel it. It kills me, because somehow I knew God set this situation so that I could learn to prioritize our family and I SWEAR I have learned. But this learning session has not finished, maybe I haven't leveled up.

Almost everyday I pray to God, please God don't leave my family. Don't leave my father. Please forgive us. Please let us be happy together again. Please let us be complete family again. Please let my father be healthy again.

I miss you papi. I never said this when you were still healthy. I even never said I love you.

I only realize how much you really mean to me, like really realize when you are already not able to respond. When our car has problems with AC or alarm, who should I ask? I used to always ask you by phone, and you immediately responded. But now, how am I able to fix things by myself papi? How? Please tell me as I am nowhere near ready.

Seeing your condition getting not okay day by day, I hurt inside. I only don't know why it's our family who has to face this? Why this lesson still be with us, why? God is the ultimate owner of this universe. And when you were healthy, your life was 'close' with God through meditation you always do everyday. But why God chosen you to be sick? You can help to cure people from the knowledge you got from reading so much from books and internet. You also can help to cure people trough meditation. But why you didn't know when you started to sick? You loved to read, didn't you? Didn't you google the symptoms you felt before you got really sick, papi?

I want you when one day I am wearing white laces wedding dress, I want to walk down the aisle with you. I want you to love my children, your grandchildren. I want to see you play with them, or telling me how mini me reminds you of myself. I want you to give me MOREEE advices about the future. I want your advices about everything. About works, about life, about relationship, about rising children, etc. Are these wishes too hard?

If so, please tell me what I should do. What I should wish for? Aku kangen pi, aku sayang papi. Siapa yang akan sayang aku seperti papi sayang aku? Siapa yang akan bener-bener sayang aku dengan cara papi yang meskipun keras namun tanpa syarat? Only you, papi. I know only you, the only man who is capable of loving me unconditionally no matter how not good I am as a person.

I miss you. God, please show us the way. Don't ever leave us, don't ever leave papiku.